TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT,

Rubbishrubbish. Thanksgiving day, and you're definitely the one I'm most thankful for.. You're the best I've ever had.


You say you love me. You say you care. You say you'll always be there. You say I'm the best you've ever had. You say that you'll never leave. You say that you always want to me with me. You say I make you really happy. You say that I actually matter in your life compared to other people.

You say I'm your universe.


Well, if all the above is true, can you not strattle the fence? I know you're a girl, and girls live strattling on a fence. Hot and cold, black and white. But I don't want you to say all that for no reason, and have me not be treated in THAT way. It's like, you say all that.. Especially, when you said I'm your universe. If I'm really your universe, that must mean that I'm your whole big picture right? That our relationship is basically, the biggest part of you and I in our lives together. With that being said, why do you contradict yourself and exclude me from your life, when you said about 2 minutes ago or something that I pretty much was your life? How're we supposed to be happy in a relationship, when you keep more secrets than I can even count? Look, I know you're trying. (At least I hope.) And you've noted me that you are understanding and that you promised to work harder for us, but it seems that out of nowhere, you worked pretty hard to face the opposite direction.

Why keep secrets from me?

Why even tell me anything, if you're just gonna keep secrets from me?

I mean, seriously. You don't even tell me WHY you keep these secrets. It's not that I don't trust you, but how the fuck am I supposed to feel when I'm trying to smile in bliss shrouded in your love, when you're dragging a treasure chest of mystery, only opened by your tight lips.

Do something about it. Love me? Care then.



"Life isn't complicated, people make it that way."

Wonder this time where she's gone; wonder if she's gone to stay,

Ahh.. Well, I guess you could say things have mellowed out since the past bullshit. Yay, tomorrow is Wednesday.. I'm skateparking it. Fuck yeahh. Well like, I guess optimism is a must right now.. But nonetheless, I guess I'll never stop being pissed off at this nice guy figure. I mean, I'm trying to chilll off it, and follow MY personal virtue of never holding a grudge, and never feeling strongly negative to one person constantly, but that guy is some work I tell you.. He never seems to fucking get it. He's disrespected me too damn much. I would never go to the movies with his girlfriend alone. I would never make it seem like I'm dating his girlfriend. I would never put his girlfriend number one on myspace. I would never kiss his girlfriend. But whoop de fucking do, he goes and does all that shit to me. That's some serious respect right there is it not? I mean fuck. Get the god damn picture you faggot. Stop with your shit. I mean, ALL I'm trying to do is be happy with my girlfriend. I know you're her bestfriend and all, and I completely understand that. But understand that the shit you're doing isn't right. Fucking get it through your stupid head. All that shit? I'd never do to your girlfriend. I've never done shit to you. You're the reason why I feel shitty when bullshit comes along. It's always you pretty damn much. I really hope you're reading this, because Idgaf. As non-confrontational as I am, you best pray that I have morals and values, and that I was raised better than to do the shit that you fucking do. It's kinda like we share a Girlfriend. But it'll never be like that. She'll never be yours, sorry bitch. You can't even get a girlfriend. And the one that you did get, you dumped for no reason. You're pitiful. Get over yourself.

'Nice Guys' don't go with someone elses girlfriend to the movies alone.
'Nice Guys' don't make it seem they're dating someones girlfriend.
'Nice Guys' don't kiss someones girlfriend. No matter where it was.

Straight up, nice guys don't do half the shit you do. There's a HUGE difference between real guys, nice guys, and guys like you. Fucking get this shit. Dig it in your head. And check yourself.

If you want me; it's cool; don't take me, for a foool,

So I'm sitting here.. In 3rd Period tutorial. Eating a poptart that Erica gave me.. Feeling shitty once again. Idk what I'm supposed to do.. I feel lost in my own morality. What is one supposed to do in a relationship when tensions rise? I've always felt I've been doing the right thing by doing my best to talk it out and clear the air.. But then I just get shut down. And I'm talking to a lifeless rock. A rock that walks away from me.. What kind of shit is that tho. I mean.. Here I am, pooring my heart out on someone I love.. Trying my best to keep them with me, and she either just hangs up on me or walks away.. And later there's no use trying to talk about it. I just have to keep a questionable smile and life my life. Maybe, this is what I deserve. This might be the best of a relationship that I'll ever atttain. This is my life, set forever. This, is love. Is it? I mean, I know for sure I love her.. But I really don't want it to be like this. This just isn't fair.. I mean, life isn't fair. I know that.. But still. I feel like I'm doing all the work. (Because I am) I'm the one giving everything and trying my very hardest and best.. Only to receive nothing in return. Just silence, and then moving on past the bullshit.. Maybe this really is something I need to get over. Maybe this is both of our faults. On her half, she needs to learn how to listen and actually open up, and try a lot harder.. And on my fault because I'm still lingering on our bullshit, despite the fact that I don't want to. I mean, I know it's all like 'fuck the bullshit, lets be happy' but that ideology doesn't seem to matter if bullshit does happen, and she doesn't do anything about it. Where's the love there? What's a guy supposed to do stuck in such a rut? Due to this episode, I'm confused upon her persona now.. If she really loved me, she would actually care to talk about it and clear it up? Or does true love really call for the whole forgive and forget thing.. Even tho she's nothing to forgive, actions that I've performed. In a way, I'm the one who should really just be walking away, or hanging up, or not trying. Because she's the one not getting anywhere. It's got to get better.. Because alllll this is just going to shit. And I have no idea why. I really just wish she tried as hard as I do.. But that doesn't mean I wanna change her. Because I don't wanna change her at all.. I mean, in that sense, that is. I just wish she could learn and progress in this matter. Is it not the mature thing to do? Am I being irresponsible, and immature for remaining calm and respectful, despite alllllll the shit that was thrown at me? Have I caused alllllll of this shit to happen? I still question myself if I'm living a lie.. More so now. Because the only thing I can see is my heart bleeding, and her walking away. True love right?




Well, fuck it. I guess it's , if she's down, then I'm down. But I'm gonna be there regardless because I love her. Despite that she might not care one little bit, and I might have been played like a xylophone this whole time, I still love her. I'm in this relationship for us. Not me, not her. Us. And how I'd sooooo love for her to read this, because that seems like the best way for her to realize this. I'm just being the independent me, while still being there 100% for her. But if it keeps going like this, what's the use of being in this relationship? I know I can only try harder. But I'm trying pretty damn hard on this already and that's not showing any progress at all.. Or maybe it is? Ah.. Blogging in class is making me feel better tho. Not gonnna lie. And Jade is behind me, and I could've really just talked to her about this but she's still working on the Cape test. Hahaha, idk. Maybe she'll read this too. Whatever. Life is gay sometimes.



I just want things to be better, and only you can help me.. Because Erica, there's no 'i' in couple. Can you just be WITH me, and not AWAY from me?

I promise that I won't meddle with her heart; meddle with her mind ,

It's just really not fair.. I mean, I do my best. My very best. It's just not good enough.. It's either that, or your not trying. How about, YOU decide. I'm laying it alll down right here. I do love you.. And to keep you by my side, there's nothing that I won't try.. But still, it's not fair how I'm pretty much putting up with all the negativity, but then in the end, you're the one who hangs up on me.. And then ignores me. Something I definitely didn't deserve, after being sealed with a promise. I just pray things will get better.. I feel as if they will. I'm so blank right now. But I feel happy, in a way.. Because I do know what we have, is beautiful.. Despite the shit you give me, despite all that bullshit. We get through it, this doesn't have to be different. Only you can help this. Can we make this a couple, and not a single?

I'm up up on the mooon,

I just need you.. I need you more than ever. Let me hold you, get closer.. Your emotions draw a gate, distancing us. I can't feel your touch. Your warmth, is an obsolete absence.


Really.. I don't give a fuck about anything anymore.. I just want to be happy with you. Fuck the bullshit, don't linger on it. And if you are going to linger on it, can you please spill it to me? I'm fixed to a question mark, puzzled, dumbfounded. Tell me.. Tell me.. Why can't we seem to be happy anymore? I miss it so much.. I miss having you in my arms, feeling like a king, living the good life knowing I have you.. But I feel like I'm losing you still. Fuck everything, I need you.. And if you actually take your time to read this, I hope you know I miss you.. And I'm in love with you Erica Riane Medina..