So I'm sitting here.. In 3rd Period tutorial. Eating a poptart that Erica gave me.. Feeling shitty once again. Idk what I'm supposed to do.. I feel lost in my own morality. What is one supposed to do in a relationship when tensions rise? I've always felt I've been doing the right thing by doing my best to talk it out and clear the air.. But then I just get shut down. And I'm talking to a lifeless rock. A rock that walks away from me.. What kind of shit is that tho. I mean.. Here I am, pooring my heart out on someone I love.. Trying my best to keep them with me, and she either just hangs up on me or walks away.. And later there's no use trying to talk about it. I just have to keep a questionable smile and life my life. Maybe, this is what I deserve. This might be the best of a relationship that I'll ever atttain. This is my life, set forever. This, is love. Is it? I mean, I know for sure I love her.. But I really don't want it to be like this. This just isn't fair.. I mean, life isn't fair. I know that.. But still. I feel like I'm doing all the work. (Because I am) I'm the one giving everything and trying my very hardest and best.. Only to receive nothing in return. Just silence, and then moving on past the bullshit.. Maybe this really is something I need to get over. Maybe this is both of our faults. On her half, she needs to learn how to listen and actually open up, and try a lot harder.. And on my fault because I'm still lingering on our bullshit, despite the fact that I don't want to. I mean, I know it's all like 'fuck the bullshit, lets be happy' but that ideology doesn't seem to matter if bullshit does happen, and she doesn't do anything about it. Where's the love there? What's a guy supposed to do stuck in such a rut? Due to this episode, I'm confused upon her persona now.. If she really loved me, she would actually care to talk about it and clear it up? Or does true love really call for the whole forgive and forget thing.. Even tho she's nothing to forgive, actions that I've performed. In a way, I'm the one who should really just be walking away, or hanging up, or not trying. Because she's the one not getting anywhere. It's got to get better.. Because alllll this is just going to shit. And I have no idea why. I really just wish she tried as hard as I do.. But that doesn't mean I wanna change her. Because I don't wanna change her at all.. I mean, in that sense, that is. I just wish she could learn and progress in this matter. Is it not the mature thing to do? Am I being irresponsible, and immature for remaining calm and respectful, despite alllllll the shit that was thrown at me? Have I caused alllllll of this shit to happen? I still question myself if I'm living a lie.. More so now. Because the only thing I can see is my heart bleeding, and her walking away. True love right?
Well, fuck it. I guess it's , if she's down, then I'm down. But I'm gonna be there regardless because I love her. Despite that she might not care one little bit, and I might have been played like a xylophone this whole time, I still love her. I'm in this relationship for us. Not me, not her. Us. And how I'd sooooo love for her to read this, because that seems like the best way for her to realize this. I'm just being the independent me, while still being there 100% for her. But if it keeps going like this, what's the use of being in this relationship? I know I can only try harder. But I'm trying pretty damn hard on this already and that's not showing any progress at all.. Or maybe it is? Ah.. Blogging in class is making me feel better tho. Not gonnna lie. And Jade is behind me, and I could've really just talked to her about this but she's still working on the Cape test. Hahaha, idk. Maybe she'll read this too. Whatever. Life is gay sometimes.
I just want things to be better, and only you can help me.. Because Erica, there's no 'i' in couple. Can you just be WITH me, and not AWAY from me?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
.jpg)
No comments:
Post a Comment