Between the click of the light, and the start.. Of the dream.

Warning: This post contains mass ventage and you might not know wtf I'm talking about but dilligaf ? I'mma do it anyway.







Skateboarding. Ohgod.. It's just simply put. "Complicated"

I wonder why when I skate.. And I'm just landing nada. Why am I even skating ? What's the point ? But then I smell that satisfaction of bolts. And there I go.. Skating again. What's the point of skating when you're not the bamf that everybody wants to see ? It's like asking.. Why do you breath when everyone else does ? What makes you so tight ?


Shit. It's nothing to be questioned. Or even put down for that matter. Get out there, and do what makes you happy.


I need dramatic change in life in general. Get me out of this house, I don't belong here. It's fucking simple. Just look at how miserable the people here look. I'm the only one who's always happy. Everyone else is just.. Dead. Wtf is wrong with you ? Wth are you teaching your children with your constant arguments ? Punishment.. Makes no difference ? Look what you're doing to him. Like that's gonna help ? You're sad. Look at yourself. This is your fault too, suck it up Barbie. You're the one fucking up here. You can't just tell him he has to move out.. And he comes back. Everything will just, dramatically change right ? FUCKINGNOYOUDUMBBITCH! You've made no effort to talk to him. If you have, why haven't I seen ? Why can't you simply be happy for one fucking second to make life easier for those around you. I'm sick of your face. You're always praising your accomplishments like you're a fucking genius and some shit. Like anyone wants to be you ? A miserable sack of shit that gives everybody else a hard time because you can't get your shit together. Why don't you go cry or go sleep on the couch to show how bad ass you are. You can't tell me shit. Until you've got your shit together, you can't tell me SHIT.



I'm not one to talk ? Bitch, this is your fault. Always saying I'm cuttin' up.. If I were to put some actual effort it, will it make a fucking difference ? NO! Because I'll be doing what you want. Why should I put effort to make you happy, when I just fail all the time ? Do we ever eat together as a family ? No. Do we have family time ? No. And you're wondering why.. "You never spend time with the family." BECAUSE YOU'RE ALL BULLSHIT! You're just going to be emo and all that other shit I'm trying to get away from. Fuck that. Nobody wants that shit. Why do you think I loath being home ? Why do you think I'd rather stay the night somewhere else rather than sleep in this house ? Is this even HOME ?! And.. The other night. You had the fucking nerve. To tell me my mother wasn't a mother. She was a friend, not a mother.


You're lucky I didn't sock you straight in the face.



Ohh the homicidal visions that run through my mind when you piss me off.


I've probably been through more shit than you have. You act like you know, you don't bitch. You're still wondering.. Why is Oliver so different ? Why can't he be like me, the perfect beautiful whore that has her shit together ? I'm not you, and you don't have your shit together. You're a lie.



You need to check yourself woman.




Females.. Femalesfemales. When will they fucking make up their mind ?


One second ily, the next there's this other guy outta nowhere ?



How the fxck can you do that ? Are you on one ? A couple ? Who the hell are you ? You fake bitch. And now you comfort me, surrounding me in your cloak false words. A simple implement signaling how predictable you are. Be real one time, and you'll take less shit. I had a talk with a cool person today.. And what she told me about what's going on with her, made me realize how similar my thinking is. So..



I'm down, if you're down. Because I'm to a point where idgaf anymore. Be you, I'll be me. Nuff said. I'm tired of your bullshit. Tell me what's up, I'm tired of having to ask you because you're throwing all these signs at me that you want me to ask.




































Give me change

If that's what chu' want alrighhht.

I desperately need a heavy dose of adrenaline


I desperately need more of an exciting feel right now. Things just.. Have been too bullshxt and too chill. I feel as if I'm waiting for dramatic positive change that will relieve me from how I feel now.








kdone, hiatus.

But how much time are you gonna take ? Too much would be a mistake ,

This is funny.. Chillin' in my room with Robby watching him play grand theft auto with 928374238974 cheats on.. LMFAO! Yeah, it's goood. We skipped school, didn't feel like going ?


I've now come to realize how reliant I am on my idgaf-like attitude. Although it helps me get through everything, I don't think it's goood for me. I need to learn to think things through more.. Or I could just be overthinking things as well ?


Atm, things are chill. Crazy at the same time ? Flirting like crazy lately, notsogoodstuff there. But yeah, that one cutie. Impressive. ;) You know who you are ? Ahaha , Only one slightlymajor negative factor on that part.. But then again, idgaf. See where it comes into play ? When there's con-like negativity. I just think.. idgaf. And I move on with life and stay happy. Just go push some wood with my happiness and live life like I want to.


I might not know now what I def' want in life.. But factual, I know what I don't want. Should clear the air on my path of life towards the future. I tend to think with my head in the clouds. I'm here.. But my mind is just somewhere elsee.


And I sit here grateful for what I have in life and stay happy and simultaneously, desperately look for academic motivation .


You get it'

Dancing around the truth,

It was all there. Allll under my nose the whole time. Everything was.. I was just locked in a whirpool of denial too deep to save myself. I simply forced myself to adjust to a mindset where everything is just fine. Despite my harsh feelings of denial deep inside.. Although how I displayed my emotions so evident, luminous light floods through the pores of uncertainty within myself. I was portrayed as a joyous figure that feels not the slightest bit of grief. This of course is impossible, I feel grief with every step I take. Yet, I refuse to regret. Never regret.. For I'd rather feel the excruciating pain of needles than confront the dreadful face of regret. Negative nothingness will never rule my fixed mindset. This light will continue to glow. It brings a relieving crease to my face when I've uplifted the spirits of the sad. Pushing, myself only further. Gratefulness; embedded in calm chest.


Back straight, arms calm. I walk tall.

I'm calling all the time I know I interrupt, but it hurts when all I hear is you hangin' up. And la da da da da da da, I'm scared to try that again.



I've nothing to say about this. What's done is done, said is said. We cannot take back. No regrets.

Break it down,

Hiatushiatushiatus. Gahhhdamn I'm facking lazy. I can't even make a blog on the daily. -____-"


ANYWAYS, a LOT has happened over the past couple of days..

Sunday
Groundzero skate comp ! It was so fun.. My first time competing. I met like, 23948723498 pros that day. Jimmy Carlin, Corey Duffel, Omar Salazar, a LOT. I was too nervous.. I fucked up on my first run. I didn't land nada. The second round I came back tho, it just wasn't enough for me to place because I cut up too badd on the first round. It's hard when there's 700 people watching you skate ! I thought it was gonna be jam session.. Where we're all skating at the same time, like how last year was. I could do that.. I was thinking. Because in the free skate / practice. I was hitting things left and right. I thought I had it in the bag.. But oh well, I'mma come back with a bang next yeah. Muahaha. >=D.

Other than that, it was just really fun.. There's no other feeling like it. Being surrounded be people who love to skate as much as you do. Legendary people, beginners, niggas that just kill it. All kinds of people coming to skate. It's just a great feeling. I GOTTA go next year. And the year after, and after, and so on so forth. I'mma be driving by then so it's all gonna work out goood. YAY! =)




Monday
LOL, Jullian comes over to my house. "WE CAN'T RIDE WITH MY DAD." Robby comes." FRILL?!"


We ask Aeriel if she could drive us to school, she came around 8:50ish. We were just playing Grand Theft Auto San Andreas to pass the time. xD that game never gets old.. Always hella funny. HAHA!

Aeriel came, HELLA sick.. I felt badd for her.. She couldn't see ! And there we were, making us drive her to school. Well.. Not making but.. Yeah.. I was feeling badd for her, and we decided she should just drop us off by gvms, and we'll walk from there so she could go home and rest. We took the shortcut throught the fucking woods.. Ahhh fuck. Then we were just talking about stuff, it was pretty cool. We showed Jullian places where me and Robby had our one hell of a Tuesday. Like where we took a nap, and where we wrote stuff on the bridge by Oakbrook. And the haunted house.. Scary.. Robby took a picture, and a video of it.


Sooo, we end up in school with some bitchass excuse. Tardy.. FUCK. Unexcused.. W/e, we make it to 3rd period, in the middle or so. And school was lame after that. Afterschool.. We had to walk home. Robbys phone was acting up.. We would call people, and hear whispers and stuff like that.. And we would call his voicemail, or my housephone. And hear ourselves. It was creeping us out.. We called my OLD phone, and it went like.. "*Robbys voice* SUP?! askjfdsflk Verizon wireless cannot STATICCCCC" I got hella scared and dropped the phone. It just scared the shit out of me.. The funny thing is, as soon as we deleted the picture and video of the haunted house, it was alll good.. No more malfunctions with his phone.. We all agreed it was EVP. SCARY,



Tuesday
Oh god, CRAZY. Too damn funny too. Woke up, waited for Robby. That nigga was NOT coming.. So I called him at like 7:15. He's at school already?! I go to Jullians, he left. CRAP. No ride to school.. I'm not trying to get a tardy and get a detention after MONDAY. -_____-" So like, I call up my Dad. He was surprisingly cool with it. "Okay, just do your homework and lock up right if you're gonna go skate." Damn ! Haha ! So I call up my nigga Matt tho, I woke him up I think.. Haha. Yeah, he was down to skate. I headed over to his house in the next couple of hours and seshed his rail with Kevin. Don don't skate rail ? BOOM BITCH, I got frontboards now. Feeling hella happy. It was my first day learning them too, and Don says I got them pretty steezy. Feeeling good. We went to the ledge spot by the library. Kevin.. And his ganger ass line. Front tail, 3flip, backtail. DAMN.


Chill skate other than that. I tried to get crooks on lock, not happening. But oh well, we headed back home soon after. Chilled at Matts for a bit. I headed back home, and Robby came over to fix his board with the tools that I had. I FORGOT MY TOOL AT MATTS. Shit.. Ohwelll, then we called over Junelle ! YAY, she took pictures, and we bothered Jullian so he could hang out with us, and we just chill skated and had fun. Kickin' it with Junelle is cooool.





Wednesday
Got to school ! ON TIME, thanks Junelle ! ={D School was passing by extremely fast. Then, walking to 2nd period. I ran into Lorraine.. "We need to talk" she says.. I already knew what it was about. So then we started talking, and I walked her to choir. We were just talking about how she's so busy and stuff like that, and how we're not really able to see each other a lot.. It pretty much ended there. After that, we had to go to class. PE = PICTURES. That's pretty much all we did.. Yeah.. Check the myspace album ! Haha. And then at lunch, Lorraine found me ! We went to go sit somewhere alone and talk..


"I wanna be committed to you but I don't know how we're gonna work.. You're doing a great job as a boyfriend and everything, it's just that we barely see each other.. I'm so busy with guard, and friends, and family.. I barely get to see you."


That's what she told me.. And I was trippin' off that all along, but I finallly understood how she felt.. I felt relieved. We just talked it over.. And we got to understand each other. And she is right tho.. What kind of relationship is this if we barely see each other ? None of us are really feelin' that.. We both decided to give it a month, and see if everything goes good.. If it doesn't then.. You know.. =/


AHHH! That made me think so negative tho.. I mean yeah, I know now how she feels about us and blahblah. But still.. There's still that chance that US will be no more. I don't want that.. I'm tired of good things ending all the time for crappy reasons. I just wish we could see each other more. She's so busy, and has no time for me.. But we both understand each other, which still kept me feeling good.. I keep thinking like.. Everytime I think about her. "Ahhh.. Possibility of one month left.. =/" It feels so whack.. I don't like it. It phases me too much. I'm thinking of it as I type.. AHHHH.


But I stay positive, and smile. And enjoy it while I can. =) Cas I know she likes me still.. I see it in her eyes, and feel it in her hand. But there's uncertainty among US staying together for a whackjob reason that neither of us like..


It's all gooodnoodles tho.


Cas I'm still =)



AFTERSCHOOL, everybody comes to skate. It was dope, and funny. GRAAAANDMA! LMFAO! HAHA. Matt's hella funny.. THE END,







Thursday
WOOOOT! A GREAT day it was. School just went WHOOOSH. When I thought it was gonna be slow ? Anyways, normal day at school. Kicked it with everybody.


Got home, Matt calls ? "What's up with you and Janine tho ? She's gonna come with us to skate today. Is that coool ? I heard you like her."


They're trying to hook me up with her, when I'm not even tryinggg to get with her. Nahhhway, I don't play that. I stay committed and I wouldn't do that to Lorraine.. Plus I'm not even feeling Janine ! I just said she looked OLDER. Like, a month ago. Real talk. Wtf ? And just cas we were talking on myspace saying stuff like "Hi, sup tho ? How was your day ? Haha." Talking like normal people.. Now Jasmine and Matt are trying to hook me up with her cas I think she likes me. -_____-"


OTHER THAN THAT, WHOA?! Everybody comes to my house. Junelle, Robby, Jullian, Tia, Daniel, and yours truly had a coool kick it. Check out Junelles pictures ! Explains it all.. It was fun ! We need more kick it days like that..













DAMN THAT WAS A LONG ASS BLOG, KDONE.

I'm a storybook people rarely open, NUFF SAID'

[19:14] tangakidd: Hi ! ={D
[19:15] junaysMADWACk: Hey ! (: you always seem enthusiastic. or more like happy and positive all the time. why ?
[19:15] tangakidd: Because, I'm naturally like that.
[19:15] tangakidd: It's funny..
[19:15] tangakidd: How you would ask that question.
[19:16] tangakidd: One that would wonder about this smile I always have on my face. The happy vibe I tend to give off.
[19:16] tangakidd: The positive force that emits from my speech.
[19:18] junaysMADWACk: I know, but like..How you do that ?
[19:18] junaysMADWACk: for Myself, its impossible.
[19:18] tangakidd: I'm scared to answer that question..
[19:18] tangakidd: It's quite a mood killer.
[19:18] tangakidd: But I will anyway.
[19:18] tangakidd: Care to listen ?
[19:21] junaysMADWACk: Yes, if I really didn't want to know, wouldn't you think I wouldn't even bother to be so inquisitive to be bothering to asks.
[19:21] tangakidd: I recognize your concern.
[19:21] tangakidd: And I apologize for hesitating.
[19:21] junaysMADWACk: No need to apologize at all
[19:22] tangakidd: It's just that I'm scared that you wouldn't care to hear my story.
[19:22] tangakidd: However, I'll just cut it straight. Make it brief.
[19:22] junaysMADWACk: Well my opinion. Everyone has a story, and it needs to be heard.
[19:23] junaysMADWACk: So i would love to hear yours
[19:23] tangakidd: I adore that. =)
[19:23] tangakidd: And I applaud your positive mindset.
[19:23] junaysMADWACk: whyy Thank you(:


[19:23] tangakidd: I was born with divorced parents. And only child..


[19:23] tangakidd: A nuisance, if you will.


[19:23] tangakidd: Good for nothing, just getting in the way.


[19:23] tangakidd: Where allll the money went.


[19:24] tangakidd: Was for me and my future..


[19:24] tangakidd: The only person who loved me was my mother.


[19:24] tangakidd: I had no friends, nobody but my mom.


[19:24] tangakidd: We would always be moving places.. Leaving memories behind.


[19:25] tangakidd: My mom would always lose her job and didn't know what to do..


[19:25] tangakidd: I was ten years old, attending a school with one of the most corrupt student bodies I've ever seen.


[19:25] tangakidd: Young kids with guns, selling weed at such a young age..


[19:25] tangakidd: And me, no friends.


[19:26] tangakidd: I was still.. Always happy.


[19:26] tangakidd: I would just cherish every breath I take, every move I make.


[19:26] tangakidd: All the dreams I have.. All the stories I write.


[19:26] tangakidd: Until one day, my mother was arrested.


[19:27] tangakidd: Our house had been a meth den for 7 years.


[19:27] tangakidd: It's how we managed to stay alive and have a home.


[19:27] tangakidd: I had two sisters at the time..


[19:27] tangakidd: They were all I had as well.


[19:27] tangakidd: They were far too young to understand.


[19:28] tangakidd: I lived in a foster home after that..


[19:28] tangakidd: Long after, I lived with my Dad.


[19:28] tangakidd: Went to a couple schools.. Getting in fights, on the brink of getting stabbed. What would you expect going to school in the mission district of Frisco ?


[19:29] tangakidd: And minus the insignificant stories I wish to share after these
events.


[19:29] tangakidd: I sit here, still alive.


[19:30] tangakidd: What keeps me so happy.. Is how I'm still alive. How I now have sooo many friends.. How I'm loved and wanted. How successful I can be. How passionate I am with what I do..


[19:30] tangakidd: Just learning to appreciate and accept everything keeps me happy.




[19:30] tangakidd: To know what kind of a horrid past I have..


[19:30] tangakidd: I still question myself that.


[19:31] tangakidd: Why am I so happy ?


[19:31] tangakidd: But deep inside.. I know..


[19:31] tangakidd: It was my own doing that kept me sane. My own strong will.


[19:31] tangakidd: My own inner self that keeps a smile on my face.


[19:32] tangakidd: That keeps me on two feet, standing the strongest.


[19:32] tangakidd: =)


[19:33] tangakidd: Only by accepting the negativity will you optimize the positivity in the situation.


[19:33] tangakidd: Hakuna, Matata.
[19:33] tangakidd: That's honestly.. As brief as I can explain it.
[19:33] junaysMADWACk: Dude, I think your so amazing. I can't even explain. You have a really great heart. Your story touched me in so many ways and made me hekka just bawling with tears.

Indescribable.

Today felt like a gift. A truly pure mix of all that is emotion. Grogginess. Joy, Overwhelmed. Shocked. Surprised. Scared. Worried. Sad. Mad. Nostalgic.. Quite the medley all to fit in one day. Woke up with a weird feeling.. Time seemed to move slower than usual. I could take my time with things. As school started, I was unprepared for lots of things. I was really behind in French.. I have a project due tomorrow and I don't have the board to throw it on.. But then the next period I got 100% on a test I didn't even study for. Well.. 5 mins prior. Made me happy. =) Science was funny.. The teacher had huge perspiration spots. Like, BADD. Worst I've seen. But I felt bad for her because she just looked so stressed.. PE was boring. Repetitive crap Loren has us doing. Lunchtimewasthebest. =) I got to hang with the girlfriend a lot more.. Got some Me+Her time, talkin' about this, talkin' about that. I love the way she is.. How complex she seems, yet how she comes off simple. How confusing she is, yet how subtle and gentle she comes to be. I just keep coming back for more.. No matter how much I trip off her, I still go back.. It's a great feeling. Walked her to her class and we were talking about random stuff. I asked her "What's that ?" on her hand. Then I did the little, "There's the river, there's you, and there's me! And these spaces in between your fingers ? Yeah, that's where mine go." And I held her hand.. Corny , non ? Ahaha, you know me. =) It's weird.. How her hand fits so snug in mine. How I stared into her eyes and adored her beautiful grin.







Blissful.



A great feeling it is.. Indescribable actually. Explains why I'm so Laconic ? Haha. School's over, had to WALK home.. Ahhh, damn. Took two hours. -____-" We kept stopping from how tired we were. We weren't even trying to walk. Somehow, we made it. YAY! Got home.. PROcrastinated some.. Played FFVII.. It's crazy.. The feeling that emits from playing this game.. I used to play it as a small child, and now.. I've gotten so deeper into it. And it's just.. Wow. The events that occur in the story.. Show how much people have so much pent up inside themselves. Forgotten thoughts, pitiful notions. Great ideas. Opinions. Judgemental statements. All cooped up inside them.. Many secrets we keep to ourselves. Many things we say that we don't mean to. Many actions we take that we wish we did not. Regret. I am the firm standing contradiction to such a horrid feeling.. Feeling.. Something that we take for granted. Nefarious beings; as we should dub ourselves. It's just amazing how complicated we are.. All this and all that. What's been done and said, and what hasn't. How we learn to forget. How we roam this earth each and everyday knowing one day that we will perish. Yet that does not stop us.. We continue to roam. We continue to live. We believe.. We breath to believe what keeps us walking. The foundation of our very living thread of life. How something so deep we live as something so simple. How we learn to accept what we go through and stay optimistic. How dedicated we are in pursuit of our goals, to satisfaction. In pursuit of happiness Cherish life.. It's nothing but





Priceless

9/30. One Hell Of A Tuesday

Sorry for the minor hiatus..I just simply haven't set time for bloggin. Just caught up in things.. Ahhh, this day. Harold and Kumar shit, I'M TELLING YOU! I'mma list it so that your mind no matter how detailed or feeble can make the picture..







Chronologically
-Woke up at 7:00
-Robby came at 7:15
-Waited for Jullian
-It was 7:56, no ride from Jullian.
-He didn't ring the doorbell right.
-We didn't know wtf to do.
-Got Dad to call the school ?
-Told us to go to the Attendance office.
-We said w/e and played Grand Theft Auto San Andreas for an hour, HAHAHA!
-THEN, we decided to walk.. Brought the iPod.
-We decided to cut through the woods and take a shortcut.
-We got lost.
-Chased by rednecks.
-Hid behind trees.
-Found paintballs.
-Hopped / crawled over barbed wire fences.
-Got lost again.
-Got tired, so we layed in the trail and just took a nap.
-Woke up about a half hour later and kept walking.
-Ended up in front of the Haunted House..
-Saw a ghost !
-Ran away cas we got scared.
-Went to the Oakbrook bridge to kill some classtime to avoid going to 4th period.
-I wrote stuff on the bridge with white-out. =)
-Our extreme journey, ended in the attendance office. Where they looked at us like. O____O
-KDONE!

ninetwentynine.

A boring day I awoke to.. A very common simple day. I was sore from skating, so I had to stay home.. Grandma told me to. It looked like I had a 6pack on my back. It wasn't a pretty sight.. Not much to say about this day. Other than I had


NO LIFE!